When people tell you that they know the person they are married to, you might want to find out what they mean. There are very different ways of knowing someone — even someone to whom you are married or with whom you have a serious relationship.

These ways are different enough from one another so that it is quite possible that when you say that you know your partner well, you in fact only that person well in one or two areas — and not at all in some other area. If that is true, then could it be possible that this oh-so-familiar person you share your life with may be a virtual stranger in some way that actually matters? You answer. And even if you said yes, would you want to ask about that area of his or her life?

How well do you actually want to know your partner? Are there areas that you really don’t want to know about — like life with her first husband? Or the consequences for him of flunking out of graduate school? Or even what she and her woman friends talk about?

A suggestion: List for yourself some areas of your partner’s past or current life that you don’t want to know about. What do your answers tell you about the breadth and depth of relationship that you are comfortable having with  that person?