Two people living under the same roof have to cooperate, at least somewhat. Similarly, nations on the same planet must cooperate, even though in some cases it’s very hard to find the cooperation for all the belligerence.

Much cooperation is situationally necessary. (I remember a film from way back in which two convicts who were chained to each other managed to escape from jail and had to cooperate while they were on the run, although they started out hating each other.)

At the other end of the cooperation continuum are those special relationships in which the cooperation is so profound that from it develops a deep and rewarding couple-ness (an “us” so rich that it has a reality of its own — you, me and us. (Suggestion: If you and your partner have such a richly-developed “we,” imagine, each of you, that your “we” actually is a third person in the relationship. Describe that person.)

If you start out with a taste for cooperation and your partner doesn’t, for whatever reason — you become the person in charge of the cooperation venture, and here is what you need to do:

• You need to make it unnecessary for your partner to continue being competitive and
• You need to make “we cooperating with each other” a rewarding and attractive prospect for your partner as well as for yourself.

You need to help your partner realize that s/he loses nothing important by building a good “we” with you. Start out by joining your partner in activities that your partner especially likes and won’t mind having you along. Do so in such a way that your joining your partner strengthens his/her sense of well-being.

Your aim here is to demonstrate to your partner that s/he doesn’t have to oppose you in order to feel safe and strong.

An example might be going to hockey games with your husband or joining your wife in a course that she wants to take. In either case, do your best to celebrate the we experience afterward, without faking it, of course.

Then add more we experiences that are pleasurable and adventurous for you both. When you sense that your partner’s attitude toward cooperating with you has increased to the point that s/he likes being “the two of us together,” then introduce activities that are more tilted toward your own interests.

“Why should I take the lead in this?” you may be asking. Answer: You should because you are the one who starts out wanting it, because you enjoy being “us together” and can introduce the pleasures of that condition to your partner — and because if you are reading this blog, you are probably someone who wants to be more loving, and here is an opportunity. Enjoy.

The Sweet Pleasures of Marital Collaboration

I don’t believe that my wife and I have ever collaborated before — at least about something with a goal that extended beyond our relationship or family. We have cooperated a lot (and conflicted quite a bit, too), but not really collaborated until now.

As you may or may not already know, we have recently begun what may be a long-running collaboration. We are doing a podcast together. It is called “Every Day Love.” The show is live (just like radio!) every Tuesday at 7 PM Eastern time. We are “housed” (is that the right term?) on blogtalkradio.com, along, apparently, with a zillion other shows.

The point I want to make here is that the show is a real collaboration. In other words, tune in or listen to one or more of our archived fourteen episodes to date (available here), and there you will find our marriage on display — our marriage much more toward its best so far than its worst.

I’m co-hosting from the third floor of our house, and Joyce is co-hosting from the kitchen. We both contribute. We support each other and build on each other’s points. Then we meet in the kitchen and critique the show together afterward — and we get better at collaborating with each episode.

Excuse me if I appear to be crowing a bit, but our collaboration is a real pleasure. It takes the marriage way beyond “who’s turn it is to do the food shopping“ talk.