When a Stone Wall Isn’t Just a Stone Wall
Last summer, during a trip to Martha’s Vineyard, off Cape Cod, I took a picture of an old stone wall and had it printed. A friend of mine looked at it and said, “It’s just a stone wall. Why did you take a picture of a stone wall?“
Meaning: This something that you took a picture of belongs to the category “stone wall.” Stone wall is a completely insignificant category. What’s to notice about a stone wall?
Well, look again. Specifically, look at what is in the picture. Don’t think “category: stone wall.“ Just look at the picture. If you just look at it, you might see something like what I saw —
- Mass (There are big, heavy stones in this wall.)
- Lichen (This is an old wall — and it’s still alive with lichen.)
- Quality (It looks like a farmer’s wall, demarcating a field. This is no fancy suburban wall. This is a utilitarian wall. This is a working wall. And it feels like it is still working, even though the farm is long gone.)
- Is-ness (First forget category; then forget words. Just look at “it.” What do you sense about “it” when you just look at “it?” What does “it” say to you?
There is an “is-ness” about this wall that transcends category. It’s there, even though you can’t find words for “it.” Something that was there for me when I took a picture of it.
Now consider your partner.
My husband, Frank. My wife, Gloria. Category: Spouse.
How could it be different? After all, you’ve been married to Frank for 16 years. He is “my husband, Frank.“ But see if you can look at him (or her) without category wife or husband — in fact without any category at all? Find a time and place where you can just look at this person with whom you’ve shared years. Look without category. Look without name. Just look — the way you would just look at a tree, or the reflections of light in a stream, or what the setting sun does to that column on your porch. What do you see there, on that face?
If you can’t find a time/place to just look without being seen, then take a photograph of your partner, have it printed, find a quiet time alone and look at what “it” contains, as if you were looking at my picture of the wall.
Yes, he is “my husband, Frank,“ “my wife Gloria” or whatever his or her name is. Still there is something special there, something utterly beyond “category spouse or partner,” something new to be seen and experienced, if you take the time occasionally to just look. If you want the relationship to remain alive, you have to see and experience beyond category: my partner.
December 16th, 2009 at 4:23 PM
Hey David!
I love this post! I really think this is the greatest gift we can give each other – to see without judgement or assessment. I think it had a HUGE impact in my own life and with my relationship to you. I had defined you in so many ways that just weren’t true and letting go of them has been one of my most fulfilling experiences.
Now I can see you and know that you’re in your own universe and I’m in my own little universe and just… get curious about it!
Curiosity, perhaps, is about looking at something without trying to figure it out and it’s a really great place to be.
I love you very much.
megan
December 16th, 2009 at 6:10 PM
Hi David,
We enjoyed your latest blog and I think the suggestion of looking at a photo to gain a deeper comprehension is a profound suggestion. We got your E Mail and it was “hey look we got an E Mail from my brother”. However as I look at your photo and Joyce’s too I don’t simply see my brother or his wonderful wife. Indeed I think that this focuses ones mind on shared experiences,in our case good times and a sense of family that goes with all of this.
Good approach for better appreciating what we have!
Love,
Philip
December 17th, 2009 at 9:55 AM
Thank you, so much, Dear Daughter. I loved what you said about curiosity. Curiosity to me is really about openness. Part of the meaning of “I am curious about you” is “I am really open to you — share yourself with me. That is so much the way I feel about you, Megan. Love, David
December 17th, 2009 at 10:01 AM
Right on, Philip. Your comment about using a photograph to focus on shared experiences and good times is very close to a tip I give in the book that a good way to return to feeling love for your partner after a big argument is to look at a picture of that person, to which you have good associations and, as you look at the picture, to send your partner loving thoughts. Love, David
December 17th, 2009 at 2:14 PM
Hey dear David,
I used to teach a program for grade school kids on “stonewalls”. After they would stand there and say, “So, what about a stonewall?” I would ask them to look closer. Not just stones, but moss and lichens, snake skins, spider webs, spiders, ants, chipmunks, birds looking for bugs, climbing vines, etc. We’d always go over our time limit! Your stonewall picture could be a metaphor for a marriage relationship-each stone added representing home, a life built together, kids, plans for now and the future, shared experiences, shared hopes and dreams. Sometimes a stone comes loose and needs to be put back in a more solid way or the loose stone is caught in time before it falls to the ground. Some folks might need help with the repairs and some are confident enough to go it alone after reading up on “how to fix it”. That’s where Dr. David Sanford comes in!!
Love you lots,
Romie
December 17th, 2009 at 2:58 PM
Hi dear Romie,
Well, it certainly sounds like our family really loves walls! Your wall is absolutely no dead wall — it is teeming with life. Unexpected life. I think that unexpected life is there everywhere, just waiting for us to find it. And once you start looking, it isn’t hard at all.
Love,
David
January 10th, 2010 at 8:06 AM
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