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How to Change from a Competitive Relationship to a Cooperative One


How to Change from a Competitive Relationship to a Cooperative One
You may well be tired and discouraged if you live in an always-competitive relationship. If that is your reality, you may be able to build a cooperative (and not exhausting) relationship on the wreckage of your competitive one — even if your competitive partner is initially not very interesting in go along. Here are some steps to try:
Start by simply stepping out of the “who is right, who is better, who is whatever“ pattern you two have. Just don’t do that dance anymore. I doubt that your partner can continue very long as a solo. Don’t say “You win” or “Whatever.” Instead, acknowledge that your partner may be right, that s/he certainly has reason for feeling that way, or that his/her memory might be more about this one than yours, etc. Grant the competitive partner the benefit of the doubt.
Rather than advancing your point-of-view while discounting your partner’s, get interested in his/her’s perspective. Do so not to prove it wrong, but to show that — because your care about your partner — you are curious about where s/he is at and why.
Winning the argument is, or at least ought to be, zero in importance compared with
Your aim in the above two steps is to demonstrate that you care more about your partner than you do about winning the argument. Replace the desire to win with caring and curiosity. If winning the argument is more important than helping your partner feel loved — wow. Something is not right here.
More steps to a cooperative relationship in the next post.

You may well be tired and discouraged if you live in an always-competitive relationship. If that is your reality, you may be able to build a cooperative (and not exhausting) relationship on the wreckage of your competitive one — even if your competitive partner is initially not very interesting in going along. Here are some steps to try:

  • Start by simply stepping out of the “who is right, who is better“ pattern you two have. Don’t do that dance anymore. Your partner won’t be able to continue very long as a solo. Don’t say “You win” or “Whatever.” Instead, acknowledge that your partner may be right, that s/he certainly has reason for feeling that way, or that his/her memory could be more accurate about this one than yours, etc. Grant the competitive partner the benefit of the doubt. You haven’t lost; you have simply changed the game.
  • Rather than advancing your point-of-view while discounting your partner’s, get interested in his/her’s perspective. Do so not to prove it wrong, but to show that — because your care about your partner — you are curious about where s/he is at and why. If you can step out of the “got to win this one” position, then you can cultivate genuine curiosity about your partner. Doing so is a good way to rebuild love.

Your aim in the above two steps is to demonstrate that you care more about your partner than you do about winning the argument. Replace the desire to win with caring and curiosity. If winning the argument is more important than helping your partner feel loved, you’ve probably got a marriage or relationship on a steep decline. Do you care?

More steps to a cooperative relationship in the next post.


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This entry was posted on Monday, December 14th, 2009 at 8:07 PM and is filed under Competition, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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