I had an experience at Christmas that confirmed my sense that your real family are the people who love you and whom you love, whether they are related to you or not.

My wife and I have been married for 26 years. We have five children who all lived together during most of their childhood and adolescence. None of these now-grown children are the product of our own marriage. When we first met, I was a single-parent raising three kids by myself, and Joyce was a single parent raising two children. Six years separate the youngest from the oldest.

Our five children, their four spouses and one partner, plus the two grandchildren spent the Christmas holidays together at our house — a gathering that happens at Christmas every other year. For three couples and two children being together with the rest of the family meant flying to Maine from the West Coast.

We had a wonderfully warm, chaotic and loving Christmas together. These events confirmed for me that, in addition to being different nuclear families, we are also one loving family. If you are part of a step-family or are otherwise acquainted with step- families, you know that it is no small achievement to come together as one mutually-caring family.

At our family gathering, I was attentive to the powerful bonds that were celebrated by people who, in several cases, had not seen one another for many months, as well as the new bonds between the grandchildren, both two-and-a-half years old and several of the adults present.

The whole experience was an affirmation for me of the fact that often your real family is the people whom you love and who love you, regardless of whether or not you are biologically related. Affirming that fact can be especially helpful for people who are inclined to bemoan the fact that they are not close to their birth family and overlook the fact that they are surrounded by the loving family of supportive friends who have come together over the years.

Here, as in many occasions in life, we have a choice — regret the love that we don’t have or celebrate the love that surrounds us and needs only to be acknowledged and lived for us to be filled by its presence.

• The laugh. What you and your partner share when you are amused together, by something that was just said or perhaps by a sudden admission one of you made that made an argument comical. Shared laughter is an expression of a particular kind of common experience: We are together in amusement. Laughter lifts the relationship.
• Gratitude. Your partner has gone an extra distance for your benefit or made a brave admission that you would find hard to make. Your heart goes out to your partner in gratitude for the depth of that person’s caring or vulnerability. The feeling is one of being deeply touched — moved in your heart.
• Just doing my part. The behavior that goes with this feeling is easy to describe; the feeling itself is not. “Just doing my part” occurs when you are helping out, doing your chores and in other ways lightening your partner’s load. You could be doing all that without actually thinking of your partner at the time, but if you are, then the accompanying feelings are likely to be “ordinary,” as in simple, affectionate, appreciative, low-key.
• Yes with trepidation. You are likely to have these feelings when something your partner has done in the past leads you to be wary of that person. Time has passed. Your partner has made amends and asked for your forgiveness. You have given it. Now you both want to put the past behind you and embrace the present and the future. And yet… Doubt lingers and especially fear. The feeling is hope, love and determination mixed with fear. It’s a complicated feeling.

Of course, there are more feeling states of love than these that occur to me and that I describe in the previous post and in this one. Try this: In the comment space at the end of this post, add to the list with other feeling states that you associate with love and your own tag for each.

Catch the Every Day Love Podcast No. 9 on The Feelings of Love, November 3, 7 PM

I’m a word person, not a painter. So instead of colors I’m going to try the assignment with words. Here are some tags (some word colors) I have come up with for different feeling states that I associate with loving your partner. A number of them could apply to loving anyone who is really special to you.

• The glimpse. The feeling of being so close to your beloved that you and that person are nearly one being. This feeling gives a glimpse of transcendence, in the sense that you are lifted out of yourself when you have it.
• The rush. The rush that sweeps you off your feet when you feel absolutely captivated by the person you love. The rush is often very sexually passionate. You want to get to bed with your partner and stay there making love until you have melted into each other.
• The touch. Touches that communicate sweetness, fondness, sympathy, encouragement. A touch on the cheek. A touch on the shoulder. Holding your partner’s face in your hands. Sleeping touching each other.
• The ache. An ache in your heart. It can be so big that it leaves you unsteady on your feet. An ache that you feel when a child that you love is very sick and suffering. A memory ache for someone who is gone from your life that you suddenly remember as if that person were really here and, at the same time, you know that s/he is gone forever.

My list of feeling states that have occurred to me today continues in the next post.

Try this: In the comment space at the end of this post, add to the list with other feeling states that you associate with love and your own tag for each.

Catch the Every Day Love Podcast No. 9 on The Feelings of Love, November 3, 7 PM

“Love” is what people declare about their feelings for God, the marinara sauce in a favorite Italian restaurant, their children, the pretty dress seen at the mall and even cold beer on a hot summer day. Is all this really “love”?

In pursuit of  love’s meaning, we need to make a distinction between loving feelings and loving behavior. They mean something different, although neither does well without the other. For now, let’s stick to feelings.

In common usage, love turns out to be lots of feelings, all masquerading as “love” Here are a few examples:

• Dependence: “I love you, baby. I can’t love without you.”
• Sexual passion: “Oh I love you so much!” said during “love“ making.
• Appreciation: “I just love your flower garden.”
• Infatuation: “I’ve met the most wonderful man. I just love him.”
• Receptivity: “Thanks for the invitation. I’d love to go.”

The more feelings and sentiments we call “love,” the less the word means. “Love” as the common name for everything from desire to gratitude is just that — common. “I love touching you.” “I love your apartment.” “I’d love to talk more, but I’ve got to go.” So what?

Most likely this vague, covers-everything, ordinary something is not the love you have in mind when you describe loving your partner, your kids, or a good friend. Okay, tell me about it: What are the real feelings of love that you have when you think about the people that you really care about?