A lot of what we say to one another can be classified as either “moving closer” speech or “moving away” speech — both in our manner of speaking and in the words we use. A harsh, accusatory remark is “moving away.” A warm and understanding remark is “moving closer.”

There is plenty of speech that is simply neutral — in its delivery and in its message. Neutral talking back and forth has minimal impact on a relationship. On the other hand, charged speech (closer/further away speech) can have a major impact, particularly on relationships between partners and between parents and children.

There are relationships that are basically no, many that are mixed yes and no, and some, although perhaps not many, that are really yes relationships.

Most of us could use a lot more yes in our relationships.

Here’s what could become an interesting experiment: Say yes much more often and no a lot less often.

The problem with this approach, for many people, is that “yes” is usually taken to mean assent, as in “Would you do my laundry for me?” “Yes, I’d be glad to.” This is unlikely to work if you don’t want to do his (or her) laundry.
However, “yes“ does not have to mean assent or agreement. It can mean —

• “Yes, I can see where you are coming from.“
• “Yes, I sense your urgency. I want to know why the issue is important to you.”
• “Yes, I would be happy to go there, but I am working tonight.”
• “Yes, we need to talk about that.”
• “Yes, there are parts of your criticism that I think are legitimate.”
• “Yes, I hear what you are asking. Now give me a day to think about it.”

As each of these examples shows, it is possible to say “yes” and move closer — in understanding, sympathy, interest, or appreciation — without necessarily agreeing nor giving up a different point of view.

A caution: The “yes” experiment is not going to work if you are simply using it insincerely or to manipulate your partner. The intent to move closer — without assenting to all or even part of what is being asked of you — has to be there.

An “overall yes relationship is a much happier one that is a “mostly no” relationship. Experiment with adding more “yes.” Then tell us how your experiment worked out.