It takes a lot of energy to defend yourself all the time, or to fight for your own point of view. Sometimes you wonder, “Is this a marriage, or a courtroom? Must everything between us be a debate?“

“I work harder. I deserve a rest.” “No you don’t; it’s my turn for a break.” “It wasn’t like that at all! You’ve got it all wrong.” “Once again, you’re twisting things around. You said that; I didn’t.”

Ceaselessly competitive relationships are exhausting, because there is never any rest when you’re around each other. Someone always objects. Someone always has a different opinion. Someone is pushing, and someone is resisting.

It’s always no. It’s never yes.
It’s always separate. It’s never together.
It’s always egos in opposition. It’s never open hearts standing together.

Why all this opposition and competition? Why not agreement and cooperation?
Here are several possibilities:

• Both partners grew up in homes of ceaseless competition. They don’t know how to agree. They learned how to grow an “I,” but never a “we.”
• In their competitive families, they learned to defend and assert themselves. They learned to stand alone. According to their family culture, to seek agreement, commonality, cooperation would be to invite defeat.
• One partner defines the win/lose rules of the relationship. The other partner either fights to win or admits defeat.
• Although they both married to be a couple, they are frightened of being anything except “I.” Being part of “we” is too scary to try, because it feels like a loss of self or a defeat.

Share with us what you know about the exhaustion of a competitive relationship and your ideas for building a relationship that restores energy, rather than taking it away.

Next time some thoughts on how to lose exhaustion and gain a “we” relationship which doesn’t require a loss of self.